How dare President Obama ask the American people to have courage and to take the leap and go for socialized medicine? (His words, not mine) How about we have the courage to stand up for REAL democracy in Iran, for the women (yes, women! reports say that many of these brave Iranians are women) fighting, dying, and rallying together so that they may live in a democratic society? How about we stop pretending that Iraq and Afghanistan are only about freedom, and how about we help the people who of Iran who only want to have the things we claim to be spreading throughout the world, still, every single day, through force? 

 One of my favorite things about working in a hotel is watching people come and go. I love even just the idea of travel. But at the same time, working there reminds me of all the other things I'd rather be doing. I get to sit and stare out a huge window. But only stare. The job definitely has some perks, and I love talking to new people who are coming through RI through the first time, but let's be honest--this isn't exactly my dream job. I hate marketing, business, and the nitty gritty details of money and credit cards. That isn't interesting to me. But I need money, and to fill up some of my time, so for now working there 4 days a week suits me. 

I was officially done with everything May 1. Now I am just biding my time...
Done done done.

Ready to move on, in a good way.

I had my second to last class today, AMST 333, or Women of Color in the US. Technically, it's supposed to be my last, but I'm having an extra (argh) class this Wednesday. But that's another story.

I have had so many mixed feelings about this class all along. I have usually dreaded every Monday from 115-4, and most people know that I love going to class, usually. We talked about so many intense topics, things that are usually too uncomfortable to talk about. Race, class, gender, other vague and sometimes meaningless words that we use to stratify/separate people, the problems with being too fat, too skinny, or having the wrong type of hair---and what all of that actually means for people--it was a lot to handle, as strange as that sounds. I've never felt as if I didn't have the authority to speak about something, and I often felt that way in that course. Some of that is bad teaching, yes, but some of that meant that I was going through this very humbling experience where I had no idea what I had gotten myself into. As much as I complained about this class, it pushed me in ways I never anticipated and I am really grateful for that, in the end.

Something really weird and surprising came out of this class. I connected with people in my class in ways that I never, ever have before. I changed my mind about a lot of people, some for the better, others, not so much. But either way, I noticed that there was something both dangerous and safe about the space we created in that classroom that I can't really explain. Down the line, I will probably only vaguely remember my legitimate bitterness at the grade I received on my midterm. What I really hope I will remember is the way I felt leaving that class today. I think I shared something strange or even  unique with the other women who were in this class, and although I don't know if I could ever really explain it to anyone else, I think it's important that we went through it together. Although some of this unity came about becuase of a common annoyance with the professor, that doesn't take away from the fact that we all had moments where we had to really listen, to really focus and be humble enough to accept that political or academic correctness isn't always important.

25 days. what what

I've lost my motivation.  (a little) 

I'm done with my thesis. I know what I'm doing next year. I'm moderately happy with my job at home. More or less. I know that I'm going to be in this same sort of place for awhile and I'm ready to just get there already.  I guess I'm just frustrated with some things right now, not the least of which is the fact that I'm going to be making $8.75/hour for awhile even though I"ll have my bachelors in history and american studies. i've spent hours looking online for other things that i can do to make more money (and money really isn't the only reason) this summer through tutoring or really just anything else in my area. it doesn't really look as if that's going to happen though with this economy. ...

It's very bizarre to spend half your time in a world where these kinds of things matter and then to switch over to this whole other place where the values system is just a 180. While I appreciate the skills that I've learned here and know that they've made me who i am , part of me wants to just take this other route where i'm making money and gaining more independence next year. i know that's not really an option right now but it's still frustrating that after all this work i still have five more years before i can maybe do something that i really love. that's life, though! I think i just need to get over that and spend the next year plugging along so that I can really immerse myself in the uconn program in the next few years. after this first year i'll be TAing or doing other stuff on campus which will definitely change things. i'm just apprehensive about the whole thing.

tomorrow's another day...

Hey, so, where is that pause button again??

So.

Some numbers:
99% sure i'm going to Uconn next year.
114 pages written for my thesis
67 days until graduation

Some days, I can't get out fast enough. Sometimes, I know that I should hold on to this time and realize how important it is. I just can't wait for the stress to be over and done with and for the good parts to begin :)

I needed a night like this, to catch up on all sort of small things. You know, like taking out the trash that simply can't be pressed down anymore. It's moderately annoying to try and keep up with two living spaces, especially when you insist on being a neat freak in both of them.

Anyway.
I got into UConn, get rejected at Brandeis. Totally happy about both of those things. I visited UConn and LOVED it. So i'm very happy about that. it'd be about an hour drive each way if I were to commute. I am really fine with that...I'm definitely not financially ready to live on my own yet. I also don't see why I'd give up the very good living situation that I have.

Back to the present: 
I have 88 pages done in my thesis. I should be celebrating but I know that i still have a lottt of work to do and that spring break is only 11 days away and I wanted to hand in a finished rough-ish draft by then. Technically I only need to write 12 more pages. We'll seeee. As for other things....Now that I have my own car that I can to and from school things feel generally a lot better for me. I feel like I have a lot more freedom at school and I can come home or go wherever when I want. I hate relying on people too (in that way) so it's such a relief. I also feel pretty good about the fact that I'm more or less snowed in until further notice. We're expecting a Noreaster tonight and my class tomorrow has already been cancelled so I probably won't go back until early Tuesday. I'm kind of grateful for the mini break since I worked or was just generally busy all of Trinity days.

Maybe it's because of the hotel but I suddenly have a greater antsiness than ever before to go out and travel. this tme last year i was seeing all different parts of England and constantly looking outward. i'm hoping that i can take a mini road trip over spring break or that i get to at least do a few short excursions during the days that I have off. even though i'll be working the weekends i have tons of free time around then which will be nice. and yet another reason why i don't want to be working on my thesis, for sure. hopefully will something pan out =)

tootles

Things! --

-break went by soo fast! i can't believe i've already been back at trinity for a few days. everything just went by so quickly, but overall i had a really good break. i got to do a lot...i'm very grateful for friends, having a flexible family, and for a boyfriend who i love hanging out with.
-unfortunately too much of it was spent working, but then i was able to put that money towards my new car (!!) caroline. she's a gray 2007 corolla. pretty cute.
-speaking of jobs...i started at best western 1/1 - finally a new job!! i really like it so far. it's pretty easy, and i've even been doing my thesis while i'm working. i get to eat whenever i want, i wander around the front desk a lot, and i basically surf the web and get paid to be nice to customers/people staying at the hotel. i love it!
-.....and yet part of me is already a little bit antsy about BW. partially because i'm ready to DO something in history, not something just to make money. but i know that i need to wait for that. 
-i'm actually going to have a car at school this semester. finally! gwen just wasn't trustworthy.
-i hate living in between. i hate having a life in two different places. i'm just waiting, it seems like. waiting to graduate, waiting for so many different things. i don't really like waiting games, and i like to be in one place. i just hope that everything gets all figured out soon--i don't like having that in the back of my mind.
-speaking of waiting...i sent out apps to Brandeis, Brown, BC & Uconn. The list only got smaller with time..hah. Fingers perpetually crossed.
- classes i'm in: women of color in the us, principles of sociology, progressive era in america -1900-1929.
i've only had 2/3 so far but i really like them. i think progressive era could get pretty hard since it's mostly filled with graduate students. but i'm hoping i can handle it, since that's what i'm hoping to do next year. sociology seems really easy so far...i think women of color will fit in somewhere in the middle.
-61 pages are done in my thesis! ...39 to go. :)
-speaking of which...my hands actually hurt from tying so much today.
that was a lot of rambling...more later!

Well.
Snowed in. At least for now. We'll see if I can make it to work tomorrow or not. Break has been a bit of a mixed bag so far.

Things:

1. customers at work. Really. Really. The great majority of them are very rude. Instead of a Hello?! I get a "I need sweet and sour," as if they were asking for a blood transfusion. You do not need sweet and sour, or anything at McDonalds. Ever.
2. management there. I am kind of part of it, but not really. I can't become someone else, and decide that I don't care about other people simply because i'm there. I care so much more about someone's feelings or need for a break than making $4 more an hour. Even today, we made an extra $1100 during lunch, and yet they would not close for dinner. people are still working right now through this bad/dangerous snow storm, people who have no way of getting home. no one in upper management cares or at least shows this concern. i find that relatively disgusting. i care too much, and i hate that i get so annoyed there that i can't even be as polite as i'd like to be. people have really forgotten how to even say please.
3. scary snow driving! eek. hoping to avoid that one.
4. i'm up to a good number of hours everyday of tv. i'm okay with it. hah :)
5. as for my thesis...22 pages and counting. So 22% done, hah. I can't help it--I had 25 page finals! And  I did some math earlier, I wrote over 100 pages this semester. I'm hoping for that 4.0.
6. i want my last set of recommendations..and i really want to get into brown. i've felt that disappointment before so i'm ready for it, in some ways. but i want more than anything for this to all work out. i just want to be committed to a school that i feel good about.
7. other than these complaints, i am very very happy. and can't wait for christmas. i've gotten some things that i am very excited to give to people, and i can't wait to just soak up the holidays.
8. i really hope that i get a job at best western. i'm obviously all burned out at my other job. it's been time for me to move on for awhile, i just haven't gotten hired anywhere unfortunately.  i'll be crossing my fingers...for the next week.


goodnight!

Hey, let's make everything due at the same time.
Two 20+ seminar papers, chapters of my thesis, and at least 10 more pages for my next class.
And grad school applications.

And..everything.

Other than that, I can't complain. I'm going to have another nephew and I'm set on going to grad school. Nothing is going to stop me.

Everyone is talking about jobs, theses, graduate programs...on and on. I guess I have a plan. The plan isn't the problem, it's the success of the plan. Getting a job with a degree in History and American Studies isn't likely to happen unless I want to become a waitress or something  else  that uses none of that knowledge. Grad school has always been part of the plan, but now that I'm committing myself to a 5-6 year program somewhere, that's a little (a lot, really) more intense. I'd rather stay around here but I can't base everything on that. We'll see.
List right now: 
Brown, Brandeis, UConn, Clark, Northeastern, PC for history, BU. Maybe BC. And mayybe NYU.

In other news, I'm starting to lean towards Obama. Maybe. I have my absentee ballot already but I still have about a week to decide. I hate politics and don't even want to think about it. I'm not uninformed, just realistic.

Work, homework, one more class and I'm done for the week. I love having incredibly short weeks, it means that by Tuesday night (now) i'm done with all but one of my classes. Thursday is always the day that I look forward to. It usually means freedom for me since I can either go home for a few days or go out and do something different when Mark comes up to visit. Either way, it's a nice break from study study study. Not that I should really be complaining. When this semester is over I"ll be pretty excited though. 12/8! I'm getting there.

I don't know who to vote for yet. Really. Does this make me a bad person? I'm looking into it.

In other news, I have less than a year left of college. I'm starting to look at grad/phd programs. I also have just recently turned 21. Seems a bit fast, doesn't it? I'm happy about it though. Happy to be home, happy to be at school most of the time. Not really that pumped to  be 21, not a ton has changed...it is nice to be able to do everything short of renting a car now though.

I feel as though I've found so much of what I didn't even know I was looking for over the past year. It's a very nice feeling.
eh, more details to come later, at some other point in the future when i have nothing else to do and can't sleep.

So... I'm back at Trinity after almost nine months of being gone.
It feels so strange to be back, but even stranger realizing that with many (almost all) things here on campus, I'm watching/doing them for the last time. I'm living in a mixed dorm, and oddly enough, it's probably the worst out of the 4 that I've lived in here. I can't really complain though, seeing as I've been very lucky and I get to live with my friends in an ideal location. A relatively bad paint job and a somewhat small room aren't going to ultimately bother me all that much.

I like my job so far but it's tiring in its own way. Unlike mcdonalds, it's hyperanalytical all of the time. I think that will tone down a little bit, but for now I'm mostly being paid to judge people while being judged at the same time.

I do miss summer a little bit, but per the usual, I'm readjusted already and have accepted that I need/want to be here for the next few months. It seems a lot more palatable than say...England. I'm hoping for a very good semester. and i'm trying to ignore GREs, upcoming deadlines, and the whole hot mess of applying to college. Again.

I do not think that I hate anything more than the very thought that I will have to move to or back from any place within the next few weeks or so.
I'm anxious already but I don't want it to ruin the last 3 weeks of an otherwise perfect summer.

Just happy to be here =)